peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
