I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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