so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
