When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
