It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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