He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
