I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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