My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
