Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize