I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It's never too late to be topless.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
