Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Randomize
