alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
