I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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