I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
