So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
