i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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