You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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