Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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