They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
