Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
not ubering you a puppy
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
