You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I showed him my bush... on skype.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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