Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
