I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
