I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
