Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
