Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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