Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You're earring is so big in my mouth
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
