This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
