I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Its about making memories worth repressing
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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