Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
