Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
