i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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