The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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