Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
