i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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