theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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