whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
