I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
