highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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