1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just forgot I was standing up.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
