he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My pussy is not your playground.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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