She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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