I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
