You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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