You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
