i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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