no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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