I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
