I could make wine with my vomit
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You're like the curious george of whores
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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