Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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