The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she smelled like a LAN party
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
