I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
