Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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