I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
