You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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