Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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