my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
as a side note pls kill me
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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