yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Pants are for mortals
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
