BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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