I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
