I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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